Still Grinding

Life sucks in the land of divorce. Last month I lost 18 pounds. And, yes, I know I've been trying to loose some weight, but starving almost to death wasn't what I had in mind. I also had to sell my blood. Fuck, I hate needles. But, I got through it.
Still homeless.

Fuck, I can't do this, its just to depressing.

Bottomline, I'm still alive.

It Hurts

So. It still hurts. No matter what I do. No matter how much meaningless sex I have, no matter how much I dance, no matter how much I dig my heels in... It hurts.

What hurts is that he didn't love me like I loved him. Ever. I believed in him so much. I trusted him so much. But he never did anything but love me like someone loves a dog. A beloved dog... but just a dog.

He threw me away.

Yeah, it hurts.

Today Sucks

Sigh.

In Which J Remains a Prick

J managed to find a way to hurt me again. He got a tattoo of LK's scene name in conji on his arm. His left arm. Where he said he'd put mine. Mother fucker.
Why is he such a cocksucker?

In other news...

I went out on a date with a very nice guy named Terrell. He was such a gentleman. I very much enjoyed his company.

And, I still have my steady fuckbuddy. He fucks like Tarzan. He likes to hurt, I can tell. Maybe I can talk him into spanking me?

I'm definitely not looking for a D/s or M/s relationship. But, a little play would be very nice.

Feeling Like A Million Bucks

Well. What can I say... I think a lot of my problem was simple sexual frustration combined with... Oh I don't know... a lot of dumb shit.

I've found a steady fuckbuddy who is really good in the sack. The sex is amazing. I've told him I'm not looking for a serious relationship but rather a friend with benefits. Its working out great. We can talk and enjoy each other's company... have great sex... and you know what? That's all I want right now.

He took me to a club on Saturday night, actually danced with me (something J would never do) and paid for everything including my gas. He knows how to show you a good time.

I'm walking on top of the world. I've got my independance, my son, money coming soon, and I'm not pissed off anymore. I truly wish J and LK the best. They need good wishes.

Fuck moving on... I've moved. Now to start putting my life together.

ps
J was wearing one of those things that look like a tobagan except knit when he brought me Brad on Sunday. HIL-Fucking-LAROUS!!!!!!!!!!

Dork.

Remind me what I ever saw in that man.

Sigh

Today I saw J. He brought me some money. God, he looked good.

I miss him. There I said it.

But, I will not loose my resolve.

Sad and liberating

I'm going to change my representative payee today. This is both sad and liberating. I know Trina won't take one cent of my money. But... its cutting a tie with J. I know its necessary... but it still hurts.

I'm so lonely.

And, honestly... horny.

Tough shit... I know.

Okay?

I wish I had a time machine. I would go forward a year when this is easier. No, I wouldn't go back. J is not good for me... LK or no.

I have to run around with Marcie today which is sure to drive me nuts. G-R-E-A-T.

J agreed yesterday to sit down and discuss child support. YAY! Maybe he is more of a man than I gave him credit for. I hope so, I so don't want to drag him to court.

Its gonna be okay.

Right?

I can't get that "you're hard and expensive and have an autistic kid" out of my head. Maybe no one will ever love me.

FUCK that. I'm also sweet, bring in money, give a great blow job, and treat my man like a king.

Right?

*sigh*

Oh HELL no

I have so much to do. I have to find a place to live, figure out my check, Brad's check. I have to get out in front of this custody thing.

He is supposed to talk to a lawyer today.

I'm scared.

Hard and expensive

Today Vanessa told me that LK had a miscarriage and told her about it. It was J's baby. The twins were J's. They never loved me at all.

Last night J told me I was hard and expensive. And, that I had an autistic kid. Basically that I would be lonely forever.

How could he say that to me and love me at all?

He never loved me... I was just too stupid to know it.

Add that to hard and expensive.

I don't know who I hate worse... them or me.

Only hurting me

Today I'm angry and sad and lonely. I hate them.

And, that's only hurting me.

Slut revisited

So i did indeed take down my alt profile and put up something less slutty. No man who will respect me will respect that old profile. I wrote it when I was pissed off and that wasn't a good thing.

I saw J last night. He basically ignored me after getting an assurance that I wasn't fucking anyone else. Yes, I lied. I can't stand him to hate me. And, I regret doing it.

My respite care worker told me yesterday that J hit on her about 3 weeks ago. Said stuff so bad it scared her. *sigh* Why did I spend 17 years of my life with this man?

Moving On

I took Polly Pedicure for his chemo today. Vanessa's back was too bad. I feel so sorry for both of them.

Tonight I'm going to see some mutual friends of J and LK. They are gorean. (Actually I kissed a rock and promised to be gorean too, but that's a story for another day. Let's just say it was one more thing I did to make J and LK happy.) I'm scared they are going to berate me for leaving. They have already called me up and asked about my alt account. I acted ashamed of it.. I guess because I value their opinion of me, but I'm not. I want a new Master. Where is the harm in that? I know it probably won't happen for a long long time... but the sooner I start looking the sooner it can happen.

I have moved on.

No.

I am moving on.

I am trying to move on?

Why?

Please come home.

The three most painful words ever spoken to me. I don't want to go back and be their nanny. I don't want to feel left out and unimportant. I want a man who loves me best.

I wish they would just leave me alone.

I'm a slut

I've been having meaningless sex. I'm lonely and for a little while... oh shit, fuck it.

It'd be okay if any of the guys I fucked were any good at it. I need a decent steady fuckbuddy to keep me from being lonely.

And, I need a beating in the worst way.

Pain

Today J and LK brought me some food. I know J should buy me food and anything else I need because he got my disability check but it still hurts. Everytime I see him hurts. Everytime I see them together hurts. How could he love someone more than me? It hurts. Oh my god how it hurts.
But being away from them hurts less.

Angel is back!

So after 17 years together and 11 years married, I left J. I know, I know I said always. But, poly is bad. Really bad. Don't do it. It destroyed us.
Now I'm left more or less homeless, penniless, and heartbroken. So what's a girl to do... look for something to fill the void. Wanna join me on my journey into a brand new life?